Living Like Me
by mmd2424
Summary: Eli and Clare clean out Eli's room together and as Eli remembers each memory of Julia he associates with each object and Clare and him write it all down in a journal.   Written from Eli's perspective.
1. The Show

"Eli, we have to get through this eventually, and I'm going to be here every step of the way, okay? Everything will be fine."

I looked dubiously down at Clare. The prospect of cleaning my room, my sanctuary, out was beyond frightening. It was like being a child and having your favorite teddy bear torn from you and shredded. The thought of an empty clean room and all of my stuff – all of the memories of Julia- gone sent shivers down my spine but it was time to grow up.

I had to do this for Clare, but more importantly I had to do this for me.

Clare's trusting blue eyes gazed adoringly at my face, and I felt the rush of warmth fill every nook and cranny in me. I reached down, running my fingertips down the length of her soft palm before lacing my fingers in hers.

"Well then I guess we have a lot of work to do before Hotel Eli will be ready," It took effort to keep my voice light hearted and I knew Clare wasn't fooled, but thankfully she let it go without comment.

I led Clare upstairs, twisting the combination into the padlock on the door with the ease that came with a year of practice. The lock clicked open and the door opened as far as it could without toppling the stacks of old papers that stood erect behind it.

So far, my room had remained the same mess it had been ever since the day Julia had died. The only difference was the small space cleared for Clare and I to sit when we wanted a break from the work. Clare picked her way carefully through the messy disarray.

"I actually brought something for you, Eli," Clare smiled, hitching her bag off her shoulder and unzipping it.

"Oh yeah?" My curiosity peaked and I sank onto the bed next to her, leaning over her shoulder to get a better look at whatever the bag held .

Clare produced a fancy, brown leather bound journal thick with unused pages. "It's so you will never forget Julia. Everything we throw out, you can write the memory of Julia you have associated with it in here. That way you'll never lose her."

My lips curled up in an infectious smile, my gaze fixated on the comforter below us to disguise the garnet blush spreading across my cheeks. The gratitude for her gesture filled my core, raising gooseflesh on my skin.

I wrapped my hand overtop of Clare's, "Thank you, it's perfect," I murmured, gently taking the journal out of her hand and running my fingers down the smooth leather.

Clare leaned in, pressing her lips against my cheek, "Of course. Now. What goes first?"

**This is sort of an experimental story that I think could be really interesting to write. It will include a lot of flashbacks of Eli and Julia as he throws out each thing as well as showing Eli growing stronger.**

**Good idea? Bad idea? Hate it? Love it? **

**Review! **


	2. Flowers for a Ghost

Clare bit her lower lip in consternation, surveying the room with opaque blue eyes. I didn't blame her for her dubiety, the room was overwhelmingly cramped and it was hard to even figure out where to start.

"Well alright, how about we start small and work our way up to the bigger things?" Clare offered, stepping forward to pluck an empty Coke bottle off of my desk. I must have blanched because concern flooded her sky eyes, "Or we could start with something else?" She asked tentatively, her hand poised to put the bottle back.

"No it's okay. I- I just need the journal," I stammered, struggling to tear my eyes off of the Coke bottle in Clare's hand. Clare nodded seriously and gently placed the Coke bottle in the cardboard box that so far only held one of my empty binders. She took the journal off of my bed, putting it in her lap and flipping it open to the first page and grabbing one of the numerous pens off of my messy desk. "Tell me all about it," she smiled, her pen poised to write.

I sank down next to her, "It sounds silly. But I was drinking Coke the first time Julia and I met, and I've kept pretty much every soda bottle I've used ever since she..." I trailed off, clenching my fists. A small hand cut into my vision, enclosing over my white knuckled fist, "Eli, I know this is hard but this will help you get closure. I promise." Clare whispered. I looked up to meet her kind gaze and shakily started my story.

_I strolled down the cafeteria, passing row upon row of monotonous tables full of monotonous people. This school was essentially full of cookie cutter, white picket fence and pink polo shirt people, but I was used to it after years of being what my concerned counselor liked to call "voluntarily different". I continued on down the aisles of tables and bubbly girls and sporty meathead boys until my sanctuary came into view; the sole empty table at the back of the cafeteria. What a cliche- the "goth" boy by himself at the back table, I thought with a smirk. But I could really give a damn less. As soon as I was in the smooth, wooden seat my hands were in my bag, rifling around for my book. My fingers closed around the thickly bound book and I pulled out The Complete Works of Edgar Allan Poe. I thumbed through the numerous dogeared pages until I came to the story I had been working on. My eyes danced across the pages as Poe's disturbingly obsessive prose soothed my bored mind. _

_"What are you reading?" A voice surprised me. I tore my eyes off of the page to see the girl standing in front of me. She was unlike any other girl I'd seen so far here. Inky loose waves hung down to her chest and she had the most captivating dark eyes I'd ever seen, the had so much depth to them I couldn't look away. What really caught my eye was what she was wearing; ripped up tights tucked into laced up combat boots, a tight, short black skirt and an oversized black sweater that hung off of her lank form, revealing the tanned skin on one of her bony shoulders. There wasn't a scrap of color on her body. _

_I silently tilted the book up in response so she could see the cover page. The girl sat down across from me, "I know what you're reading, I meant which story. Or are you more of a poetry fan?" She asked with an inquisitive smile._

_This girl knew Edgar Allan Poe? "Ligeia, and who are you? A cheerleader on acid?" I asked, my lips twisting into a smirk. _

_The girl tossed her head back, a raspy laugh escaping her. "No I'm not a confused, overly drugged cheerleader. I'm just new here. I didn't realize this school was Ralph Lauren nation." She joked, raising one hand to pick at her darkly polished nails. "And I love Ligeia," she added._

_My eyebrows ascended until they disappeared underneath my shag of dark hair. "You sort of look like her, you know," I commented. The girl tossed her hair back, "What, a raven haired beauty?" She giggled wryly. _

_This got a tiny blush out of me, "I just mean dark hair and dark eyes," I protested. _

_The girl's lips pulled back to reveal a toothy smile full of pearly whites, "Well, alright, I'll own up to that one," she smirked, twisting a strand of her onyx around her finger. The lunch bell rang, I quickly pushed my book back into my bag, closing up my Coke and tossing it in after. The girl stood to walk away._

_"Wait!" I called. She turned on her heel lithely, "I'm Eli, and you are?" I asked, trying to keep the desperation from my voice. I had to know this girl. _

_The girl shook her head, "Ah-ah. I'm not telling you today," She protested. My brows knitted together in confusion, "And why is that?" I drawled, some of my usual sarcasm seeping back into my voice. _

_"Because it gives us something to talk about. Tomorrow. Right here. Again," She said in a lilting voice before turning to skip away, her long dark her flouncing behind her._

_The next day I had to struggle to keep my cool at lunch as I walked to my table. I was so excited to see this girl again. As soon as I rounded the corner she came into view, already waiting for me at the table. Once again, she was wearing her uniform black outfit; tight black skinny jeans and a dark gray v neck underneath a black vest. I kept my face cool and nonchalant as I approached her. She had the biggest smile on her face as she saw me coming- as I got to know her later I found that she was always smiling. There were only a few instances where Julia didn't have a grin on her face and she loved to show off all her teeth whenever she beamed- ._

_I sat across from her, sliding my bag off of my shoulder. "So, do I get a name today?" I asked. _

_She wiggled her eyebrows, "Yes, Eli. I'm Julia," she told me in her light, lilting voice; her voice always sounded like bells chiming. Julia extended a small hand across the table and I took it in mine, shaking it delicately. We both grinned as the sight of our matching nails came into sight; they were both black, although Julia's were neatly polished while mine were simply scribbled on with Sharpie._

_"Julia," I repeated breathily, my green eyes settling on her inquisitive dark ones._

Clare clicked the pen, its inky tip disappearing back into it. "Alrightie, the first time you and Julia met is right here, saved forever on paper Eli, so do you think we can get rid of all your soda bottles now?" she asked gently.

A cold, clammy sweat broke out on my forehead, I anxiously raised my hand to wipe it off, leaving my palm dampened. "A-all of them?"

Clare stood, putting the journal aside, "Eli, I know you can do this. Now you can reread the first time Julia and you met whenever you want," she reassured me, taking one of my moist hands in hers. I gnawed on my lower lip before grabbing one of the many empty bottles strewn across my room. My fingers instinctively tightened around the plastic core and every part of me wanted to put it back. An impending sense of dread tingled underneath my skin, but was interrupted by sudden warmth; Clare's lips against my cheek.

"You can do it Eli, just put it in the box," She reassured me, one hand draped on my shoulder. I sucked in a steadying breath and chucked the bottle in the box. Clare and I spent a good ten minutes ridding my room of all the bottles we could find.

I sank down onto my bed, putting my head between my knees. I felt exhausted as though I had just ran four miles. Clare sat next to me, rubbing soothing circles in my back. "I'm so proud of you Eli, I know this isn't but you're doing _so _well," She murmured.

I sat up, resting my head against her shoulder. Her hand fluttered up from my back to smooth my hair, "Thank you for doing this with me. I couldn't do this alone."

"Of course, we're a team and we're doing this together. The first step is always the hardest," Clare reassured me.

**Thanks for all the great reviews for the first chapter :) I'm already starting to make a list of items and the memories they will represent to Eli.**

**And don't worry this story will have plenty of Eclare.**

**I own nothing! Don't forget to review :D **


	3. Almost Everything

"Wow, I can't believe we cleared out three boxes of stuff!" Clare exclaimed, trying to catch her breath as we hauled the third box out to the curb. "How are you feeling?" Clare asked breathlessly.

I stood, still as a stone, in front of the boxes. A weird surge of emotion was formed a lump in my throat, I felt as though a foreign part of myself that had lumped onto me when Julia died was finally leaving, as though some of the weight was finally lifting from my chest. I could breathe a little easier.

"Everything feels... easier," The soft murmur passed my lips, but I was barely aware of it, too deeply wrapped in thought. I had never dreamed I would get better. I imagined lying awake at night surrounded by mountains of memories for the rest of my life. Clare stood next to me, her head of curls shifting to rest on my shoulder. "Do you feel up to cleaning any more this week?"

This lured a laugh out of me, "Clare, I'm not a baby. We can keep cleaning tomorrow."

I felt Clare's cheeks turn up in a smile against my shoulder, "I just don't want to push you, but I'm glad you're feeling better about doing this. I've really got to get home though, or my Dad will freak."

"I'll drive you," I offered instantly, fishing around in my pocket until the cool metal of Morty's keys met my fingertips. Clare started towards Morty and I skipped ahead of her, unlocking the door and opening it for her, "Your carriage awaits, milady," I said.

Clare's eyes crinkled as she giggled, "Wow, what a regular prince charming," as she climbed into the car. I could see the relief behind her eyes that I was still capable of being lighthearted after the day I'd just had. I was pretty relieved myself, though, that I wasn't being fragile over the whole ordeal. I had been so vulnerable around Clare these last couple of days, I didn't want her to think of me as a weak person. I knew in the back of my mind that this was silly, Clare would never think that, but I guess it is sort of a manly pride thing for me.

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Clare slapped her hands together, clouds of dust rising, "I can't believe you saved all your math papers, Eli, math is bad enough the first time without reminders," she laughed, gazing down at the box stacked full of old math assignments with scribbled numbers on them. The papers towards top of the stack had **42209** scribbled all over the headings in various shades of pen.

I laughed Clare's joke off easy heartedly, but made a point of flipping the top sheet over so I wouldn't have to look at the boldly written numbers taunting me from the page.

I stood before what had once been my desk. The nicely polished oak desk hadn't seen the light of day in over a year as the stack of things had grown and grown. My hand hovered over the stacked popcorn tins and I ran my fingertips cautiously down the smooth yellow plastic. "Th-the journal. Clare. Please." I choked out, I couldn't throw these away without remembering that day. The ominous feeling was already budding in my chest, someone could get seriously hurt. Because of me. _Again. _Clare looked up from where she was sorting my stacks and stacks of CDs.

"Are you alright?" Concern instantly tainted her voice.

My lips drew in a tight, taut line, "Yes, please just- the journal. Please." Clare quickly passed the brown leather book to me and I greedily grabbed it, ripping open the pen. Underneath Clare's neat handwriting I wrote "Our First Kiss" in my swooping cursive penmanship. My face felt drained and bloodless as the pen danced across the page to tell the next chapter in Julia and I's story.

_"Rocky Horror Picture Show at The Vegas Theatre, this Saturday. What do you think?" I asked, sneaking around Julia's back and fanning the tickets open in front of her._

_Julia looked up from her math, putting her pencil down and snagging one of the tickets out of my hand, turning it over in her fingers. "Rocky Horror? And what makes you think I don't want to go see Twilight?" She scoffed, playfully glowering up at me._

_I snorted, "Lady you could pay me all the money in the world and I would not go see Twilight with you,"_

_Julia twiddled the ticket between her fingers, "Well I happen to adore Rocky Horror, so I'd love to go," She paused before sweetly adding, "Thank you Eli." _

_Later that week, Julia and I scurried out of the parading droplets of rain as the sky hydraulically assaulted us with its somber weather. I pulled the black umbrella to a shut once we were in the shelter of the theatre's overhang. Crowds and crowds of unusual, or as my counselor would put it "Voluntarily Different" people flocked for Rocky Horror, some of them in eccentric costumes to match the characters of the show. Julia grinned up at me, "Ready to go?" I looked down at her to answer but her thick black eyeliner had smudged down her cheeks partially and caught my eye. _

_"Almost." Before I could think twice about what I was doing I stepped closer to Julia, raising out a hand to tenderly wipe away the eyeliner. My thumbs were turned a smudged shade of onyx by the thick eyeliner and I felt Julia's cheeks flame up underneath my touch. I felt so close to her, not like I had ever felt with anyone before. Her lips were like magnets, begging mine to caress them, but I knew I had to resist._

_Julia's dark eyes dropped to the damp sidewalk below us shyly. "Come on, then, don't wanna be late, eh?" I prompted her, toting her along by the elbow. I was secretly thrilled I could provoke such a response from her, it made me feel as though maybe she had an ounce of the feelings for me as I did for her._

_"Wait, we need popcorn to throw! You can't come to Rocky Horror without shit to throw," Julia stopped me right as we were about to enter. _

_"You are so right, you just saved my viewing experience," I chuckled, Julia took my hand and pulled me to the concession stand. I tried to ignore the tingles running up and down my arm as her fingers closed around mine. We each bought three tins of popcorn and carefully walked back to theater, trying to not spill any kernels on the ground. We quietly took our seats. The crowd around us seemed to be humming with excitement for the movie to start. The lights dimmed and people began to cheer, some water guns squirting proudly in the air. A pair of vibrant red lips drifted forward on screen and Julia began to clap and holler along with the crowd._

_I leaned in, whispering in Julia's ears playfully, "Hey Janet, I've got something to say. I really love the skillful way you beat the other girls to the bride's bouquet."_

_Julia turned to face me, her hand fluttering over her heart in mock adoration, "Oh Brad!" She squealed as the red lips faded off screen._

_Later in the movie, full on chaos had broken out. People were standing and dancing, Julia and I were soaked to the bone from all the water guns squirting. We did our part though; cheering and singing along as well as chucking popcorn at the screen. Touch a Touch a Touch Me came on and everyone around us either stood up and danced or starting sucking face like hormonal teenagers. Julia stood suddenly, her signature smile decorating her face. _

_"Come on, Eli, dance with me," She giggled, holding out a hand. _

_"I'm not much of a dancer, Jules," I shook my head, tossing a piece of popcorn in my mouth. Julia rolled her eyes, snagging a half empty tin of popcorn and overturning it above my head. The buttery kernels rained down on me, "Eli! Dance! Now!" She insisted playfully. I shot her an exaggerated eye roll, before standing, unsure of what to do. Julia grabbed my hands, dragging me down the front of the theater where everyone else was dancing. She grabbed my hands, jumping up and down in front of me and raising our connected hands above her head._

_"Touch a touch a touch me! I want to be dirtyyyyyy! Thrill me chill me fulfill me! Creature of the night!" Julia screamed at the top of her lungs, tossing her hair side to side. She looked so free and relaxed, it was infectious. I jumped up and down with her; our feet slapping against the floor in rhythm. _

_Julia's smile was indescribable, she looked so thrilled to see my loosen up. "Touch a touch a touch me!" Julia and I sang along in unison. She was so impeccable, so unencumbered and alive with her black waves bouncing everywhere and her eyes alight with happiness. I couldn't help what I did next. _

_I stepped forward in the midst of all the chaos; dancing people, flying popcorn and water, chanting and cheering. I ignored all of it and cupped one of Julia's cheeks with my hand, stroking her lower lip with my thumb. Julia froze, her gaze now intensely boring into my emerald stare. She took a gentle step forward without taking her eyes off of mine. One tiny hand rested on my chest, curling shut around my blazer lapel. I leaned forward until my lips were mere centimeters away from Julia's. We maintained playful eye contact, her dark molten eyes daring me to make the first move. She won our little stare down with absolutely no competition, I had been waiting too long to kiss this girl to hold back now. I pushed forward the rest of the way, my full lips meeting hers. Her lips were so smooth and warm against mine and our mouthes danced together in a perfect waltz. Her slim arms wrapped around my waist, my fingers entangling in her long hair. _

_It was one of the most perfect moments I had ever had with Julia._

I recapped the pen, staring down at the last sentence. I had hastily added "with Julia" at the very end. It was true that that moment would always be one of my favorite memories, but I had Clare in my life. And every moment with Clare was like being with Julia on cocaine. Clare just brought me to life in a way Julia never did, but I would never forget Julia. And I would never forgive _myself._

**So I decided to address the popcorn tins next because of your reviews :) they remind him of his first kiss with Julia. **

**I'm really putting everything I have into this story, I hope you guys are liking it. Thanks for the great reviews.**

**I don't own Degrassi, btw xD **

**xoxo. **

**Reviews are always appreciated - constructive criticism is welcome! **


	4. Howl

"Eli, if you don't wake up we'll be late for church!" My dad's deep gravelly baritone voice practically shook me awake as he sat carelessly at the foot of my bed. His hand closed around my foot, giving me a light, awakening shake. I reluctantly opened one eye a crack, casting a glance down at my father, dressed in his trademark Dead Hand shirt and cutoff jean vest.

I rolled over onto my stomach, burrowing my face in the pillow. "Church. That's a funny one dad," I mumbled grouchily, my voice muffled by the pillow. My dad's room rattling laugh boomed out and I gave up any hopes of getting back to sleep. I shifted to my back, running my lanky fingers through my limp, bed mussed hair.

"You know, Eli, your room's lookin' great. I actually could walk straight to your bed rather than havin' to hike over Mt. Eli," My dad rumbled appreciatively, looking around my room. "Anyways you should be gettin' up soon your mom wants us to have lunch together before I gotta go to the radio show," he mumbled, ambling out of my room. I slowly sat up, surveying my room with anxiety ridden eyes. My dad was right; significant amounts of things were missing.

"M-my things." I stammered quietly, rubbing the sleepy fog out of my eyes to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It hadn't fully hit me how much of an impact Clare and I's daily clean ups had made on my room. Cold shivers rocketed up and down my spine and my sweaty palms wrung together. The sound of rubber tires squealing on a rain slicked road and Julia's body making a dull thud on the pavement echoed in my head.

"No, no no no," I muttered, my hands flying to my forehead. I kneaded against my temples with the calloused heels of my hands, trying to get the sound out of my head.

"_She's gone, I'm so sorry,_" The doctor's voice came into my head next. Followed by the usual; images of Clare's broken body lying, bloodied and bruised. Adam stepping unknowingly into the street in front of a speeding bus, an oblivious smile on his face as the bus hurled towards him. My mom. Clare. Dad. Adam. Julia. The images flashed in and out on the insides of my squeezed shut eyelids. I scrunched over, my fingers raveling in my hair. I pulled hard on the hanks of hair, wanting to just tear out my mind and rid myself of the macabre slideshow playing behind my eyes.

I sprang to my feet, hurtling out of my room and down the stairs; taking them two at a time.

"Eli I invited Clare over for lunch!" My mom's voice drifted in from the kitchen but her words were lost on me; I had only one thing on my mind. I tore open the front door, intent on getting to the curb before the trash truck came and carted off the boxes of my stuff. Instead, I almost ran smack into Clare. She stood on my front porch, hand raised to ring the doorbell as I practically threw myself out the door. I barreled into Clare and heard a small rush of air escape her dainty lips as I knocked the breath out of her.

"Clare!" I shrieked in relief. I threw my arms around her, yanking her to me in a tight embrace.

"Well hi to you too! Is everything okay?" Clare chuckled, patting my back gently.

"No- no nothing is okay. I need you to get inside please. Please, please j-just go inside." I begged manically. Clare's expression quickly changed from bemused to concerned.

"Eli, what is it? What's wrong?"

"I need my stuff! Okay Clare? I- I can't just throw her out. I can't hurt someone again!" The words came out rushed and garbled together as I pushed past Clare, making strides for the boxes on the curb. A small hand closed around my forearm. I wrenched my arm out from Clare's grasp and continued on my madman's mission. The trash truck could be here any minute and the images in my mind were just getting more and more prevalant.

"_The damage done by the car was too severe- we couldn't resuscitate her." _The doctor's voice echoed in my head. Clare. Adam. Mom. Dad. Julia. Julia. Julia. Always Julia. Her body lying spread-eagle style on the road, her beautiful dark hair marred by the thick amounts of red blood running from the back of her head.

I finally reached the boxes after what felt like a life time. I fell to my knees in front of them, savagely trying to claw them open. The shakiness of my hands inhibited my ability to pry the box open and I could feel the desperation growing in the pit of my chest. I was vaguely aware of Clare calling my name behind me. I didn't register her until she was by my side on her knees, shaking my shoulder gently.

"Eli please-"

"Clare. I _can't_!" I screamed, twisting to face her, my chest rising and falling rapidly trying to catch my breath. "It's all I see. You, Adam, my parents. And it's _my _fault Clare. My fault!" The threat of tears adorned my voice with tremors. Clare grabbed my face in her hands.

"Eli your parents are safe inside, I promise. They're fine! Adam is fine! Everyone is okay!" I shook my head violently, pawing for the box again. Clare cupped my cheeks gently before she pulled me towards her, stroking the back of my head with her gentle, soothing touch.

"I'm not going anywhere, Eli. Like I said, you're stuck with me. It's going to take more than just throwing out some old stuff to get rid of me that easily," She murmured in my ear. The warmth of her hand on the back of my head diminished the images and I reclaimed my sanity, sucking in a deep breath and slowly unclenching my fists. I twined my shaky arms around Clare, pulling her closer to me and burying my face in her shoulder.

"Thank you," I murmured, ashamed of myself.

"It's fine, Eli. It could have happened to anyone,"

"Not anyone with two ounces of sanity in them," I mumbled, furious with myself for making Clare see that.

I felt Clare shake her head angrily and she pulled out my embrace, her vibrant blue eyes meeting mine. "Eli, you are _not_ crazy. Do you hear me? You lost someone special to you. That sort of loss never leaves us and you've been doing so well with everything, it amazes me how strong you are. But you are no where near crazy, understand me?" The strength and belief behind her words shocked me, and I nodded almost obediently.

Clare stood, brushing the dirt off of her Sunday dress, extending a tiny pink palm to me. "Come on,"

I beamed up at her warmly, taking her hand in mine and allowing her to help me to my feet. The chugging of an old engine behind me drew my attention. The trash truck was coming down my street, headed straight for my house. My muscles tensed and the urge to go save my stuff threatened to overpower me once more, but Clare squeezed my hand lightly. I turned away from the trash.

But that's precisely what it was; trash. I didn't need it in my life anymore, I had my beautiful girlfriend who smiled up at me like I was the sun. My hand fastened more securely around hers and I pulled her so we were shoulder to shoulder so I could wrap one arm around her shoulders.

"Thank you for being here," I murmured, pressing my lips against the top her head.

She glanced up at me, replying simply, "Always."

**Hope you guys liked this :) I worked really hard on it. I hope Eli does relapse and Clare is there for him for it in the show because I think the hardest part of any addiction is the with drawl. **

**I've been drug free for a month and a half and it's been so hard but I'm sticking with it. ( no judgements please- I've made some dumb decisions :/ ) So I really poured my heart into this one xD **

**By the way, if you guys haven't caught on the titles for all the chapters are songs. **

**I don't own Degrassi.**

**Review? :) **


	5. Such Great Heights

I quietly crept up behind Clare. Her back was turned to mine as she fumbled with the lock to her locker. I would never, ever get over how damn cute my girl looked in that tan skirt and knee socks. It was almost enough to justify my having to wear _khaki _everyday. _Almost_.

I positioned myself behind Clare, covering her eyes with my hands.

"Guess who!" I growled in her ear.

Clare jerked in surprise and her hands flew up to cover mine. "Very funny, Eli," She giggled, twisting out of my hold so we were face to face.

"Easy with the personal bubble invasion, Edwards, don't want to get a detention now do we?" I smirked, inching closer to her, casting a quick glance to make sure the hall was vacant of teachers.

Clare's lips curved into a flirtatious smile, "I think you're worth the risk, Goldsworthy," She teased in a subdued murmur. I leaned against the lockers with one hand pressed against them, so my body formed a sort of shield between Clare and the rest of the hall. Clare leaned back against the locker, her small hands flitting up to curl around the collar of my red polo. She pulled my face down gently hers, pressing her lips against mine briefly.

I pulled away, leaning my forehead against hers so the tips of our noses brushed, "How rebellious, Edwards, I guess I'm rubbing off on you," I chuckled. Clare rolled her eyes at me, turning to swing her locker open and collect some books. My hand shot out to stop the locker from shutting.

"Let's get out of here," I suggested, excitement mingling in my voice. Clare gave me a dubious look, glancing at Officer Turner who was patrolling along the end of the hallway.

"Eli..."

"Oh c'mon Clare, Mrs. Dawes can survive without us for one day," I offered eagerly. Clare deliberated for a second, before sighing and putting her books back in her locker along with her backpack.

"Why do I let you get me into these things?" She laughed, taking my hand as we made for the back exit casually.

"Because I'm _so_ dreamy?" I offered teasingly.

Clare glanced up at me, "Well there's no denying _that_," She smirked. _She was getting as good at those smirks as I was_, I thought fondly. I peered down at Clare dotingly, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. She pressed her lips against my cheek briefly as we paused by the exit, glancing around. Officer Turner's back was turned to us as he spoke to his son. My arm slid from her shoulders to tote her out of the back exit by the hand.

Giggling and breathless, we briskly made our way through the parking lot, looking about as inconspicuous as elephants would walking down the street. I helped Clare into Morty, gearing the old hearse's engine to life with a dull roar.

"Where to, my lady?" I drawled, cranking down Morty's window. The wind buffeted against my inky bangs, pushing them out of my face to reveal jet black eyebrows that rarely saw the light of day. Clare giggled, leaning over in her seat to comb my hair back down with her fingers.

"Don't think I didn't notice the picnic in the back Eli, I'm guessing you already have a place in mind?" Clare grinned, casting a glance back at the neatly packed picnic basket resting just behind the driver's seat.

"Well I didn't necessarily plan on staying in school today, so I came prepared," I chuckled, "But that doesn't mean I already chose a spot."

Clare's nose scrunched up like it did when she was deep in thought, "I think I might know a place, a friend of mine from the play used to do this thing 'larping', and there's this place she told me about..."

I interrupted Clare with rapturous laughter, "Oh Clare, please tell me you don't larp."

Clare flushed and smacked me lightly across the chest, "No I don't! But the place _is _nearby."

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"Wow, Edwards I have to give you some credit, this place is _awesome_," I whistled. Clare fumbled with the fence closing us out of the expansive forest. A crumbling, old church's remnants stood proudly in a slight clearing. I hoisted the picnic basket out of Morty and joined Clare, who pushed the fence open. We trekked up to the clearing and spread out the wool blanket I had dug up from the piles of miscellaneous things that lay forgotten in the back of Morty.

Clare began to unpack the basket, lying the spread of food in front of us. "I have to say, Eli, I'm impressed with the high quality cooking." Clare giggled, examining my hastily thrown together meal of crackers and cheese, strawberries and two bottles of juice.

I smirked, "I know, I'm a such a suave chef, now shush and enjoy your strawberries," I shot back. Clare scowled back playfully, taking a sip of the juice and examining the serene surroundings. Clare daintily picked at a strawberry, her dainty lips parting to close around the garnet fruit. She must've noticed because a dull rosy shade spread swiftly across her cheeks.

She cleared her throat awkwardly and put the half bitten strawberry down, "So have you done anything with your room since the last time I was over?"

The question caught me by surprise and I stammered to quickly throw together an answer, or an excuse; anything that would justify the fact that I hadn't touched my room in the week Clare hadn't been over helping me to clean. My hesitation spoke mounds and I knew nothing I could say would fool Clare. "Well... No." I mumbled, fixating my gaze pointedly on the food below us.

"Eli, why not? You were doing so well." I did not look up to meet Clare's concerned gaze, I was far too ashamed of myself.

My brain raced for another excuse; too much homework, other chores; anything. But I knew none of those would do. This was Clare we're talking about after all; the one person I could ever truly open up to. The truth flowed from my lips with surprising ease, "It just feels like... When you're not there its harder because it just- it becomes so much more real. That I did this to myself and now I'm coping with it alone. And I know I'm not alone, but it just... When it's just me and that _stuff _in my room I feel so," I grappled to find the right word.

"- lost." I finally finished, wringing my hands together uncomfortably.

"Oh Eli," Clare finally whispered morosely, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea you felt like that. From now on, we can do it together, I won't leave you on your own to try and do it anymore," She murmured and mortification swept over me. How could she blame herself for my mistakes? Before I could say anything her slim fingers interlocked with mine, lifting my arm and pulling it over her shoulder. She snuggled into the crook of my arm and shoulder, pressing her soft lips against my neck.

"There's no need to be sorry, Clare, if anything I should be the one apologizing," I mumbled.

Clare snuggled closer to me, "There's nothing to apologize for Eli, don't worry about it." Clare's voice had adopted a much more chipper tone; not that I could blame her. I knew she felt it too - the unexplainable giddiness when we got close to each other like this. Whether it was physical or emotional there was something purely magical about feeling this close with Clare. I cupped my fingers around her chin, turning her face up to mine.

Her startlingly blue gaze remained locked with my emerald one before I finally broke, my lips hungrily reaching hers.

We kissed for a good while; but these kisses were different than the ones I had shared with others in the past. These kisses were tender and full of doting affection. Our lips gently pressed together and sometimes they danced smoothly together but for the most part we just shared repeated, chaste kisses that were somehow much more intimate.

Clare and I finally separated, her mouth curling into a satisfied smile. She leaned back against my chest, lacing her fingers through mine. All the anxiety from before; over my room, over being alone, was completely dissipated.

In that moment; it was just Clare and I.

**Sorry for the delay in updates (: I've been uber busy. But thank you for all the great reviews and support so far! 3 I really appreciate it.**

**I couldn't resist writing about the picnic, not after Friday's episode. I squealed like a little fangirl when they came down the hall holding hands haha 3. **

**Also, A DAY TO REMEMBER ON DEGRASSI? Completely amazing 3 I died. **

**Anyways! Enjoy! Review! And remember; I own nothing c: **

**xoxo **


	6. Tiny Vessels

Clare knew the look on my face well by now; the mixture of guilt and nostalgia mingled with deep regret. The silent exchange between us prompted her to put down the magazines she was throwing away and grab the swiftly filling up journal and a pen. The smooth pages were filled with either stories or just small tidbits, like how the sides of Julia's eyes crinkled when she smiled or the dimples on her lower back. Most of the time I tried to keep to writing these things myself, Clare didn't need to hear how I loved the way Julia's smooth skin felt under my fingers.

I thumbed the toy car between my spindly fingers. It was really an ugly little thing; covered in obnoxious bright Hawaiian flowers in a heinous shade of orange and pink. But the memories it held were outshone the repulsive exterior. I looked up at Clare's ready hand and sucked in a breath, beginning to speak. Clare's hand danced across the page, copying down my words in neat handwriting.

_I couldn't take my eyes off of Julia, which could be very unfortunate for other drivers if the road hadn't been empty. Not many people decide to skip school and go to the beach on a Wednesday anyways. Julia had her head leaned back against the headrest, her black rimmed eyes closed. Her full cherry stained lips were curled up in a blissful smile. I loved the way her lower lip was plumper than the upper, giving her a perpetual pout. Morty's window was rolled down sending the warm breeze on its journey to caress Julia's face, whipping her black hair around her tanned face. The bass of the chaotic song we were listening to practically shook the car. The hand of Julia's that wasn't clasped in mine was dangling outside the car, tapping along to the beat against the shiny black exterior with chipped black nails. _

_The scent of saltwater danced through the window hand in hand with the breeze, playing in my nostrils and teasing me with a pleasurable aroma. The excitement to get to the beach prompted my foot to press down on the acceleration. Morty's engine gave a dull purr as it kicked into gear, carrying the vintage car more swiftly down the road. Our sandy destination finally came into view and I eased on the brakes. The change in speed caused Julia's almond eyes to flutter open, eagerness swimming in their depths as the white foamy, crashing waves were now in view._

_Julia slid her hand out of mine to peel off her tight purple v neck. Seeing as we were a few months into our relationship; it wasn't the first time I'd seen her without a shirt, but the sight of her smooth, tanned skin never failed to amaze me. Her ribs were just barely visible and a glittering black stud glinted in the sunlight from her belly button-_

Clare stopped writing abruptly, casting a glower that mixed consternation and envy up at me. "Err- maybe I should write this part." I mumbled, realizing my faux pas. I had been so absorbed in recounting the day, so caught up in my memories, I had forgotten I was talking to my _girlfriend_.

Clare's blue eyes rolled dryly, "By all means, please continue." She snapped, her grip tightening on the pen.

I shot her a sheepish, apologetic smile and picked back up with my story, skimping over the memories of Julia peeling down to her bathing suit.

_I watched Julia ran for the water, clouds of sand kicking up from behind her. Her arms were thrust out to either side like wings. I admired the way her dark tresses rippled under the sunlight. The frothy ivory foam splashed up around her as she waded into the surf. "Eli, come on!" She giggled, turning to face me, her face huge and smiling. I kept my distance, trying to stifle the adoration in my eyes. Julia always teased me for being a sap, not that I could help myself. I flexed my toes, feeling the warm sand funnel in between them. Julia's hands flew to her hips in an impatient fashion and she skipped out of the water towards me._

_"C'mon Goldsworthy I'm getting gray hairs here!" she giggled. Goosebumps rose down my spine as she trailed her finger tips down my bare chest before grabbing my wrist and towing me towards the water. _

_"Damn Jules where's the fire?" I laughed, lurching forward in the bronzed golden sand, my arms twining around Julia's waist. I swung her up off of the ground and her lithe legs kicked sand everywhere until we both fell in a fit of roaring laughter. The pliable sand cushioned our blow and I looked up at Julia through the hair that had fallen to obscure my gaze. Julia scooped up a hand of sand and little trickle down in between us like beads in an hourglass. I reached out to touch Julia's face, running my finger tips from her forehead down to her full lips as though I was discovering her for the first time. Julia's lips twisted into a smile underneath my touch before puckering to kiss my finger tips. I shifted so I was on my stomach in the sand, edging closer to Julia. Julia rolled over onto her back and I cupped her face with one hand, my lips hungrily seeking out hers. We remained like that, joined at the lips, until Julia pulled away, pressing one last, quick kiss to my lips before scrambling to her feet. _

_She ran buck wild for the water and I chased after her. The water was cool despite the balmy mid afternoon weather. The thick, sand seeped in between my toes with mud like consistency. Julia was already out past the waves, floating over raising water, her dark head of hair bobbing above the glaucous water. I dove under an oncoming wave and I was momentarily plunged into silence. The only sound was the rushing salt water around me. I kicked along, under surface, keeping one hand trailing along the sand ground and the other in front of me, feeling for Julia's legs. When my fingers finally met flesh, I closed one hand around her ankle and tugged hard. Julia went down with a squeal and I broke surface with a satisfied smirk, quickly joined by Julia. _

_Her dark waves were now sopping wet, plastered against her heart shaped face. Black smudges underneath her eyes were all that was left of her carefully applied makeup "You bastard!" She shrieked playfully, lunging at me through the water. I caught her around the hips, swinging her through the water._

_"Not so fast, missy," I growled teasingly. Julia curled her hands around my neck, her finger tips running through my soggy hair. Her ankles hitched up behind my waist and I ran my hands down her bare back, exploring the bumps and grooves of her skin, committing every detail to memory._

Clare slammed the pen down, slapping the journal shut. "And what does the car have to do with this?" She snapped, eyes fixated on the binding of the journal.

"We bought it at the board walk... Clare are you okay?" I couldn't hide my bemusement.

"You know, Eli, I think I'll let you finish this one after all." Her voice was strained and she made for the door. I quickly picked my way through my mounds of things to stop her.

"Clare! Clare come on! Don't go!" I begged, catching her gently around the forearm. "I didn't mean to make you upset, please, sometimes I just get caught up in the memories," I admitted ruefully.

Clare threw her hands up in exasperation, "That's just the thing though Eli, they're _memories. _You talk about Julia like she's- like she's still alive!" Clare retorted in a wobbly tone, her voice hitching at Julia's name. "It's more than enough to make me think maybe you're still..." Clare trailed off, tears flooding her sky hued eyes.

"Clare I'm not still in love with Julia! It's just... you have to understand she'll always be a part of my life... I can't just forget about her." I mumbled, flinching as the sound of tires squealing against slicked wet pavement echoed in my head as it so often did.

"I know-," Clare's voice adopted a much more somber tone, "I know it's stupid but it just feels like... You guys had this amazing bond. I can't ever have a chance at having that with you. You guys got each other so well!" Clare's voice carried the threat of tears. Realization smacked me cold in the face and I stepped forward, wrapping my arms around Clare and pulling her to my chest.

"Clare, you mean _so _much to me," I murmured, burying my face in her curls. I pulled away, tilting Clare's face towards mine so I could look into her watery eyes. "Julia and I loved each other; but we were high school love. We were wild and we were reckless. And she meant so much to me but being with you feels _real_. I don't compare you and Julia in my mind one bit, so please don't think that way," I put as much emotion into each word as I could, imploring her to understand.

Clare raised one hand to wipe the tears off of her cheeks, "Well now I feel silly," She half giggled half cried, "So you really don't mind that I don't listen to Escape the Fate or any of that ? Or what I wear...?"

I couldn't help but laugh at the mental image of Clare at an Escape the Fate concert, "Clare, do you remember last time you tried to be more like me? I love you just the way you are, don't worry about it." I chuckled, pulling her into another tight hug.

I was glad Clare had buried her face into my chest, for the last thing she needed to see right now was the bewilderment on my face. I mean- I had always known that Clare and I were more real, more long term, than Julia and I ever were. It just felt strange to acknowledge the unspoken out loud. My eyes flickered over to the picture of Julia on my drawer and I shuddered, squeezing my eyes shut. The idea of Julia 'watching' Clare and I embrace sent shivers down my spin.

**Blahhh I know the ending is so sucky . I sort of ran out of steam there at the end! Sorry! But I hope you liked it ! **

**Thanks for all the great reviews! Keep on reviewing :) **

**I'll try to update again soon. **

**lessthanthree (:**


	7. Smother Me

_"There is no way you can tell me that homecoming could be better than this!" Julia giggled, her onyx rimmed eyes latching onto my own carefree ones. _

_This was a time long before any tragedy muddled my life, before the weight of guilt had made its home on my shoulders. _

_"Hey lady, I only suggested homecoming because I thought you would want to go!" I retorted, slinging my arm as Julia and I entered the flashily lit venue, black Xs decorating our hands, the no longer needed The Used tickets stuffed in my jacket pocket. Hordes and hordes of sweaty, tightly clothed people roamed before us. We pushed our way through a zoo of mohawks, tight v necks, tattoos, piercings, and sweat to get as close to the stage as possible. Julia's fist was closed tightly around the back of my jacket, not allowing us to separate more than a foot or so. Not that I wanted to; our bodies had this amazing magnetism that made it almost physically painful to walk away from her. _

_The crowd suddenly sprang to life as the band walked onstage and hot bodies pressed against us at either side. I raised my hands and clapped as they took their place, allowing a shrilly wolf whistle to pass my lips. Julia bounced on her toes, trying to get a better view. I leaned down, secured my wiry arms around the back of her knees and hoisted her onto my back piggy back style. Julia's hands locked in front of my neck, I could feel her warm body pressed against my back, swaying in time with the music. Her breath tickled my ears as she sang along happily with the song._

_After a few songs, I felt Julia's lips tenderly brush against my ear, soft as flower petals. She planted a small kiss directly behind my ear before whispering, "Eli, let's get out of here," _

_I pushed my way through the crowd and as soon as we escaped the mass of people Julia slid off of my back. The difference of quality in air from the pit to the bar area of the club was almost unbelievable._

_"Where do you want to go Jules? We've only been here an hour," I smirked, grabbing hold of one of Julia's hands in mine and playing with her fingers. To my surprise, Julia stepped closer, dragging a hand softly down my chest before letting it rest on my belt buckle. _

_"I was thinking we can go back to my place," Julia murmured, her face mere inches from mine._

_The next thing I remember is Julia and I were practically racing to her room. The minute her door clicked closed I had her slammed against it, my lips trailing down her neck. I hungrily pushed her sleeve down off her shoulder, planting my lips along her bare shoulder. The ropes holding us back were cut, loose and dangling, our lips repeatedly clashed hungrily with the need of a deprived addict. Our clothes were hungrily torn from our bodies without a second thought; and there was something beautifully intimate about our two naked bodies pressed together. I scooped Julia up in my arms, cradling her to my bare chest. Julia kissed my shoulder adoringly as I carried her to the bed, carefully lowering her into the plush comforter. A dark curtain of waves fanned out behind Julia, framing her perfect face. I started at her forehead and made my way to her knees in a journey of kisses. I wanted to commit every detail to memory; her full lips, the sun cast freckles that dappled her collarbone, the small perfectly shaped freckle on the inside of her breast, the curve of her hips beneath my hand and her deep, perfect belly button. I finally ended my voyage at her inner thighs, I stroked them gently with my thumbs as I pushed myself forward, my tongue plunged inside of her and explored. Julia's thighs began to shake beneath my hands and she knotted her fingers in my hair, gently towing my head up to hers. We began to kiss our way into a combative dance of lips and tongue, my hands roaming all over her as Julia caressed me in place that sent shivers down my spine._

_Being with Julia, losing my virginity to her, it was magical. There was something about being able to share myself completely with someone that no words written in a journal could express. Every one moment that we spent in that bed, exploring the limits of our bodies and discovering new kinds of pleasure, was a moment I would never forget. _

_When we were done, we lay side by side in her dark room, watching as Dawn peaked over the horizon, her rosy tipped fingers extending through the window to bathe us with orange hued light. Julia's back was to my chest and stomach, my arm roped around her waist as I gently rubbed circles in the crease of her stomach and hips. One of her arms was tucked safely beneath our shared pillow, the other tossed carelessly over her shoulder to rest against my neck. Her nimble fingers occasionally twirled a strand of inky hair but for the most part we were still, the only noise was our gentle breathing._

"Eli? Are you up there?" The sound of Clare's voice swept away the memories of that night like a gust of wind dispersing smoke. I jumped, slamming the journal shut and shoving it beneath my pillow. That was one memory I doubted Clare would enjoy reading.

"Clare! In here!" I called, crossing the room in three quick steps and pushing open the door for her. "Hey beautiful," I murmured, the sight of Clare's beaming face filling my entire body with a strange giddiness.

"Hey you," Clare giggled, her cheeks reddening at my greeting. She tilted her head up, our lips meeting. Unlike our usual greeting kisses; I wanted this one to last. I cupped my hands gently along the round edges of Clare's face, keeping her face to mine just long enough to trace her lower lip with my tongue before letting her go.

"How's the room coming along?" Clare stammered, bringing her fingers up to brush her lips. I smirked; pleased to see the effect I had on her, it was so damn cute. "Pretty good, I guess," I grunted noncommittally, turning to face my room.

"I was just about to throw away some old tickets," I admitted in a strained voice. Clare squeezed my hand, seeing the conflict on my face, "That's great Eli, good job. I left my phone in my jacket downstairs, I'm gonna go grab it." She smiled, turning to leave.

I slid smoothly in front of her before she could set foot out of my messy disarray of a room. "Don't be long," I murmured, pressing my forehead to hers before briefly kissing the tip of her nose.

Clare wrapped her arms around my waist, her small hands locking behind my back. Her crystalline eyes met mine and she kissed me softly, "What's with all the extra loving today?" She smirked, "Not that I mind."

I pulled her closer, "I missed you is all," I murmured back, unable to keep the smile off my face. I pulled Clare into a brief hug, breathing in the warm aroma of flowers before releasing her to get her phone. When I was sure she was all the way down the steps, I turned the mass of tickets and began to scoop them into the trashbag by the armful. Countless movie stubs and concert tickets swam before me as they fell into their black plastic confinement. Only two tickets caught my eye. The first was the ticket from A Night in Vegas. I grimaced briefly before eagerly pushing it into the bag without a second look. That was a memory I wouldn't mind forgetting. The second was the two tickets from that fateful The Used concert. I raised one of them to my face, feeling the worn down plastic between my fingers. I pressed my lips briefly against them before dropping the ticket into the trash bag.

"Goodbye," I murmured, shaking the bag, a strange sort of lightness passed through me as I watched the ticket sink into the sea of trash.


	8. Love Love Love

"You know you'd think with all these boxes stacked in your room you would actually organize something in them." Clare's grumbling undertones were not lost on my ears despite the fact that her back was turned to me as she stood on her tippy toes, trying to reach the top of one of the many stacks of deteriorating cardboard boxes that sprouted up throughout my room.

"Hey lady, there's junk in there, I don't know what you're talking about," I chortled, sauntering up behind her to help her reach the top. Any excuse was a good one to get out of tidying my newly cleared off desk.

Clare turned to shoot me a playful scowl, "I've got this, Eli, don't think I don't know you're trying to get out of organizing your desk." She chided me lightly, reaching up to tap the bottom of my chin teasingly.

I captured her lingering hands, weaving my fingers through hers, "I have _no _idea what you're talking about, Edwards, I'm just trying to put the inches I have over you to good use," I laughed, stretching up my free arm with ease to hoist the top couple boxes down. The frail, aging cardboard distorted between my fingers and crumbled under the weight of its occupants. Clare and I were showered with dusty comic books, a stack of forgotten hangers and a shiny, new looking DVD disc carefully enclosed in a case. My hands darted out instinctively to shield Clare's head from the avalanche of hangers.

The dull ache radiating from my scalp told me the DVD case had clipped my head and once I was sure we were free of any risk, I crouched down to scoop up the DVD quickly before Clare could see it, relief flooding through me. I cradled the disc briefly against my chest before discreetly trying to slip into my back pocket. Clare was not so easily fooled, however, her hand darted out like a viper, snagging the disc out of my hand curiously.

"Clare!" I protested, reaching for the case but she shook me off.

"What is this?" The question was answered almost as quickly as it had left her lips as she popped open the case, her clear blue eyes sweeping over the shiny surface. In bold sharpie letters the words "**Dawes English Class Romeo and Juliet by Eli Goldsworthy Adam Torres Clare Edwards**" were squished together to fit the CD's circumference in Clare's neat, bubbly handwriting. Clare's rosy lips pushed forward to form a dainty "o" shape before the blood visibly rushed to her cheeks, coloring them the brightest shade of crimson.

I opened my mouth, hoping for a slick reply to fly to the tip of my tongue but of course, knowing my luck, an awkward stammering noise was all I could come up with.

"You kept this?" Clare asked finally, her voice surprisingly awestruck.

"Well I mean Ms. Dawes gave it back to me after she graded it so…" I coughed gruffly. "I didn't _just_ keep it for the kiss…" I added with a hint of desperation as a last attempt to maintain a manly exterior.

The lie in my voice was evident to both of us, although thankfully Clare didn't comment on it. She leaned forward instead, cupping my cheek with her hand gently before pecking me on the cheek. "You're too sweet, you know," She giggled. To further my mortification; my cheeks flushed bright pink at Clare's touch.

"Clarabell come look at these new shoes that just came in the mail!" Cece's voice drifted from downstairs. I don't think I've ever been more grateful to hear my mom's voice.

Clare giggled, "That's my cue, I guess,"

"I'm sorry about my mom, she's just excited to have someone to get girly with sometimes," I chortled, walking with Clare to my door.

"Oh I don't mind, I'll be right back up and that desk better be clean, mister!" Clare called over her shoulder as she made her way to the stairs, her voice tainted with mischief.

"Yes ma'am," I mumbled under my breath. I turned to face the scattered hangers and comic books, mutinously crouching to pick them up. Dust wafted up my nose, racking my body with coughs, prompting me to give up on the ancient comic books, shoving them grumpily under my bed. My hands hastily fluttered over to the hangers, grouping them together by the cold metal edges. Before I could carelessly toss them in the trash bag, the initials scribbled at the edge of the hanger caught my eye. "**JA**"

_Julia Anderson._

Julia had always been so paranoid about losing things; her initials were on everything from the tags of her underwear to her erasers.

My shaking fingers ran over the black initials. It was eerie to know that Julia had once touched the simple hanger. That her fingers had carelessly scrawled the two letters in a simple gesture that now meant so much to me. I could feel her fingers stroking my hair in a phantom gesture, reminding me once again of everything that _used_ to be.

Keeping the hanger close at hand, I twisted, grabbing my journal from its resting place underneath my bed. As soon as the pen had clicked open, blue ink letters were hungrily devouring the page with words.

"_You are __not__ my mother!" _

"_And I would never want to be! You're a spoiled, little insolent __bitch__, Julia. You're a bitch. And Daddy's not going to pamper you forever." _

"_Don't talk to me!" _

"_My pleasure!" _

_I nervously drummed my fingers against Julia's bed frame, unsure of what to do as the heated screams rang through the whole house. Only when I heard Julia's stomping footsteps echoing off the wooden steps did I stand and hurriedly cross the room. Julia threw the door open so aggressively I had to flinch backwards to avoid taking it to the face. Tears streaked down Julia's flushed cheeks, carrying with them trails of smudged inky eyeliner and mascara. Her nostrils flared as she sniveled, raising a hand to wipe away the snot. I crossed the space between us in two huge steps, pulling Julia into my embrace. Julia came willingly, practically collapsing in my arms, burying her tear-laden face into my chest. I backed away, mopping the tears off of her cheeks with the sleeves of my shirt. _

"_What happened, Jules?"_

"_I hate her! I hate her so much Eli. She's r-ruining my life," Julia stammered. She hiccupped despondently before continuing in her shaky, tear stained rant, "She acts like s-she's replacing my mom. It's impossible to live in this fucking house with that fucking bitch patronizing me every three seconds," Julia's voice angrily rose to insure her step mom would her the end of her rant. _

"_Julia, Julia, please calm down. Look, why don't you talk to your dad or something?" I pleaded, stroking the sides of Julia's face tenderly. I couldn't stand to see her so broken over this. _

"_He won't do anything, Eli, I've tried. I've tried everything and it's not getting any better!" Julia's voice expanded into a full on wail and she buried her face into my chest._

_The words that left my mouth next escaped without any further thought or consideration. _

"_Then come stay with me." _

_Julia slowly peered up from my chest; flabbergasted. "What? Like live with you? Eli I couldn't intrude…" _

_My finger flew to her lips, sealing them shut. "It's not an inconvenience Jules, my parents love you and you're there all the time anyways. You can stay until things calm down here," I offered. The joy in me spread its wings, soaring up through the pit of my stomach and through my throat as I saw the grief on Julia's face transform into excitement. _

_Julia threw her skinny arms around my neck, pulling my face down to level with hers so she could shower me with kisses. "You are amazing! You truly are, Elijah Goldsworthy. Thank you so, so much. Will you help me pack? I can't wait to get out of this hellhole." _

_I hoisted Julia's bag over my shoulder to spare her the chore of lugging it up the steps. Julia wiggled past me, skipping into my then spotless room._

"_Cece helped me clear some space in the closet for you," I called after her, lowering her suitcase onto the ground._

"_It's perfect, Eli, thank you so much." Julia clasped her hands together, turning to face me with the first genuine smile I'd seen on her face since her and her stepmom had fought that morning. _

"_No problem, roomie," I smirked, "Now should we get you unpacked?"_

_Julia sauntered across the room with a hands down smutty look coloring her almond eyes, "I'd rather celebrate some," She hesitated to trace the contour of my chest with her finger tips, "housewarming." She finished, dragging her lower lip between her teeth. _

_My eyebrows soared and my hands were tangled in her hair bringing her lips to mine before she had to ask twice. I kicked the door shut behind me, hoisting Julia off the ground in one easy motion. Her ankles hitched behind my back and I carried her easily across the room, lowering her onto the bed, my lips hungrily tracing her collarbone as we fell out of our clothes._

**Sorry for the delay in updates! All this holiday madness has kept me from writing :) anyways, I took your suggestions to heart and I'll be sure to incorporate your ideas if appropriate later in the story! I hope you guys don't mind all the Eli - Julia steaminess -.o the sex is relevant later on I promise :)**

**Enjoyyyy! **


	9. You've Got The Love

"_Eli can you come over please? I really need you._" Clare's sniffling, tear riddled voice had me out of bed and on to my feet in an instant. My neck strained as I constricted the phone between my cheek and shoulder, fumbling to get the first pair of jeans I could reach on.

"Are you okay? Did something happen?" I cursed under my breath, tearing apart my increasingly tidier room in search of Morty's keys only to discover they were already in my jean's pocket.

"_Just please come okay?_" Clare sniffled back, watering the growing seed of worry sprouting in the pit of my stomach.

"I'll be right over, alright? It'll be fine," My words came out in a half strangled grunt; the last time I had gotten a late night call from a girlfriend it hadn't been good news. I clicked the phone shut and agitatedly forced the protesting fabric of the impossibly twisted, inside out shirt to fit over my head and shoulders.

I tore down the steps, taking them two at a time before hesitating. The magnetic notepad we used to leave notes daunted me from the fridge, next to the clock that flashed "2:45" but Clare's panicked voice won over in my mind. My mom would just have to trust I was safe. After what seemed to be a life time long, agonizing car ride to Clare's I ran up to the Edwards' house without hesitation, rattling the door knob. The door clicked open without putting up a struggle, feeding my anxiety.

"Clare?" I struggled to keep my voice at a whisper, beelining for the steps. A string of curse words fled my lips as I stubbed my shin anxiously trying to stay quiet on the impossibly creaky stairs.

"Eli, it's okay. No one's home, you don't have to be quiet."

Clare's voice froze me in place. Her shadowy figure was barely visible at the top of the steps, outlined in darkness. I lunged forward, scrambling up the stairs to grab her face in my hands. "Clare what's wrong? Are you okay?"

I strained to see Clare's hands raising to brush tears from her cheeks. "Clare, what's the matter, please talk to me!" I egged her on, my voice escalating in panic. Clare wordlessly took my hand, guiding me through the pitch black hall to her bedroom. I flinched as she turned the lights without warning, my eyes straining from the sudden transition. Clare kept her back turned to me, crossing the room to sit on her bed, pulling her knees up to her chest and wrapping her arms around them. A dull ache thudded from my chest at the sight of her looking so defeated. I crossed the room quickly, sinking onto the bed next to her and wrapping my arm around her shoulder.

"Clare, what happened?"

A series of sniffling answered my question before Clare looked up, meeting my anxious gaze with glassy blue eyes. "My mom has a new boyfriend. A-and he was over earlier. He's s-so dreadful, Eli, the way he t-talks to her.. It's awful." Clare sputtered out. Saying it out loud sent her into even more fits of tears and she threw her arms around my neck, burying her face into my neck. I could feel her salty tears tracking trails down my neck, staining the collar of my shirt. For a brief, horrifying second the head of curls burrowed underneath my chin turned to long, sleek dark hair. The eyes shedding tears were no longer the perfect shade of azure but deep molten and the girl in my arms was no longer crying over her mother's girlfriend but the frightening truth of what we had created.

_"Eli what are we going to do?" Julia wailed, "We screwed up so bad." _

I shook my head, dispersing the visions of Julia, gratitude racking my body that the girl before me was no longer the raven haired spitfire. "I'm so sorry Clare, maybe you should talk to your mom about it," I murmured, pulling Clare in tight against my chest. She unlocked her hands from behind my neck and pulled away; I raised a hand and mopped the tears from her flushed cheeks delicately.

"That's not all, though. He..." she hesitated, sucking her lower lip in between her teeth. Her eyes dropped, refusing to keep eye contact with mine. "He made me feel- uncomfortable," Clare stuttered, cautiously dancing around how to phrase her thoughts.

An icy cold sensation I had never experienced dribbled down my spine, freezing me to the core. "What do you mean?" I struggled to keep my voice level.

"I don't know if I'm imagining things but I'm pretty sure my mom's only dating him to make my dad mad, he's a complete loser," Clare sniveled, avoiding my question. She dropped my hand to fumble with the lilac comforter underneath us. I gently grasped her chin, tilting her head up.

"Clare what did he do that made you uncomfortable?"

Clare's chin trembled, "He... He stroked my thigh and - and he kept saying the most disgusting things when she wasn't in the room..." Clare mumbled.

The ice in my veins bubbled to a full boil and rage pulsed through every fiber of my body. _Who did this man think he was? Coming here and touching Clare like that? _My upper lip curled in disgust, and I stood quickly, pacing the room. I didn't want to lose it in front of Clare but the images played relentlessly in the back of my head. I envisioned a crude, forty year old version of Fitz groping a defenseless Clare. My fingernails buried themselves in the palms of my clenched fist as I turned to face Clare, seething, "Who is this man? I'm going to find that bastard and _kill _him!" I snarled viciously.

Clare squeaked mortifiedly, "Eli no! Please just forget I said anything. I'm probably just imagining things."

I shook my head vehemently, "You need to tell your parents Clare. I'm not letting that scum anywhere near you." I snapped. I could feel the blood pounding my head lividly.

Clare's arms folded across her chest stubbornly. "I don't want my mom to think I'm causing problems. She'll be home any minute, by the way. She's driving Jordan home." She added, casting a nervous glance out the window.

I jingled Morty's keys between my fingers in my pocket, but one glance at Clare's still stricken face told me I couldn't leave her like this. "I'll stay, if that's okay with you." I murmured softly, sucking in a calming breath and crossing the room to grasp Clare's hand in mine.

Clare's lips twitched in a hint of a sad smile, "I guess I knew they would see other people eventually, but it just makes everything about the divorce so much more _real._" Clare whispered, leaning her forehead against my shoulder.

I caressed the back of her head gently, leading her to the bed and gently pulling back the covers. Clare climbed in, watching me expressionlessly. I peeled my jeans off, turning Clare's cheeks beet red. A smirk played across my lips as I straightened my boxer shorts, sliding into bed next to her.

"If my mom catches you here..." Clare whispered.

"Don't worry so much Edwards, you'll be gray before you're twenty," I chuckled, reaching up to click the lights off. My hand flickered out in the darkness, finding Clare's face and gently cupping her cheek. Clare snuggled in closer, her cool hands sliding underneath my t shirt to rest over the bare skin of my back in a gentle embrace. My arms twined around her waist, my eyes trained on Clare's half hidden face attentively; she had nestled her face into the contour of my chest.

"Good night Eli," Clare mumbled sleepily, turning her face up for a kiss. Her sky blue eyes were clear of all tears now, and she blinked drowsily.

"Goodnight darling," I whispered, bringing my face forwards so our lips would meet one last time before Clare drifted to sleep. Clare was asleep a few minutes later, but I lay awake watching the boxy digital numbers on her bedside clock click by. Eventually I heard the front door click open and the sound of Clare's mom's footsteps had my breath caught in my throat but she didn't come to check on Clare.

I wanted to stay up all night, as creepy as it sounded, and watch over Clare but my eyes reluctantly flickered shut as I drifted to sleep to the rhythm of Clare's soft, steady breathing.


	10. What Sarah Said

"Not so fast Eli,"

I froze at the foot of the steps, guiltily sidling into the kitchen. "Erm, hi mom."

Cece looked up from her bowl of cereal, "And where were you last night?"

"I had to go to Clare's... She was upset,"

Cece didn't look convinced, "You know if you two are having sex you don't have to lie just be safe-,"

I cut her off with an exasperated groan, "Mom! For the last time! Clare and I are _not _having sex." I crossed into the kitchen, hopped onto the island and began to fumble with the ebony ring on my thumb.

"What's on your mind baby boy? You look like you've got a million words on the tip of your tongue," Cece chuckled, swiveling in her chair so she was facing me and slurping attentively at her spoon.

I wrung my hands in front of me, she wasn't _completely_ wrong. "I guess it's just been... Weird. Cleaning everything out. I think about Julia more than I used to, as if that's possible. But I love Clare, I really do! It's just... Confusing."

The sad smile that always crossed my mom's weathered face whenever Julia came up appeared and she placed her cereal bowl down, lurching forward to grasp both my hands in hers. "Listen to me, Elijah, you'll think about her. That's not avoidable. But it doesn't mean you love Clare any less, I promise." She reassured me in the loving tone only a mom can pull off.

I allowed a hint of a smile to flicker across my face but the bereavement of Julia felt stronger than ever, and the loss the _two_ of us had shared... "Do you ever wish things had turned out differently.. With the situation?" I mumbled. This question would mark the first time I had ever mentioned _it _since the accident.

Cece's face fell in shock, a mixture of grief and sympathy brewing in her deep greens. "Oh Eli!" she whispered, her voice brimming with tears, "I do baby boy, every day." She murmured, standing and pulling me into a deep embrace. I buried my face into my mom's shoulder, breathing in the familiar scent of leather and perfume, surprised to feel the moisture like dew drops at the corners of my eyes.

I pulled away from my mom, my fingers flickered up to rub away any stray tears. "I'm going to go upstairs." I mumbled, turning my back on Cece and making my somberly to my room. I couldn't imagine being up for any more cleaning this week, the chip on my shoulder had turned to a boulder and with anything else weighing me down; I feared crumbling. I knew what I needed right now, something I could never lose in this mess of a room. I picked my way carefully to my desk, carefully lifting the stuffed leopard from the now neatly stacked papers. It had sat perched behind Julia's picture for a long time, but now sat between the picture of Julia and a picture of Clare and I, hastily taken by Clare on one of the last warm days of fall. I had put it there hoping that next time Clare came, she'd take notice of it.

I gently lifted the leopard, cradling it to my chest like a newborn. The hint of moisture in my eyes was no longer hidden by my eyelashes, the tears felt like they had created mini rivers on my flushed cheeks. I dropped to my bed, drawing my knees to my chest and crushing the leopard as closely to my body as I could, burying my nose in its cheap mottled fabric. The musty scent of the stuffed animal took me back two years ago. To the 22nd day of April.

_The waiting room was so silent, it made the thoughts tearing at the edges of my mind that much more amplified. The waiting room was practically empty, just my mom, me, and Julia's family and two other families. My mom's sweaty hand was grasped in mine, her knuckles white from the pressure she applied on my hand. I could see my bloodless, white face reflected in her watery eyes. In my other hand, the leopard was clutched tightly to my side, as if protecting it would bring Julia walking through the doors and into my arms with nothing more but a mere scratch or two. _

_The door of my white walled personal hell swung open and my dad ran in, terror etched into his wrinkled face. "Any news?" He asked, almost fearfully._

_I shook my head numbly, allowing my shoulders to droop so my head hung between my knees. _

_How could this have happened? How did I let this happen? If this girl dies it is completely your fault, Eli. _

_My hands began to shake, they were still horrifyingly stained scarlet, dried blood caked underneath my fingernails. I could see the dark spots where her blood had stained my jeans and I felt sickened. My throat felt caked dry and I was dying to get water but I was terrified to move. All grudges that Julia's family had previously known had come to a halt; her mom leaned into her dad's chest, burying her tearful eyes into his shirt while his wife sat by, her lips drawn taut and bloodless._

_"Mr. Anderson?" _

_My head snapped up painfully, my anxiety ridden eyes fixing on the regretful doctor who beckoned Julia's parents over. My breath caught in the edge of my throat and I watched with a narrow eyed gaze at the doctor's moving lips, wishing vehemently I had the ability to decipher what he was saying. But I didn't need to be a lip reader to interpret the Anderson's reaction. Julia's mom fell to the ground with a ear piercing wail, her head dropping between her knees. Julia's dad's face had gotten even paler than before, and if it hadn't been for the tears pouring down his cheeks I would have thought he was a corpse._

_"Mr. Goldsworthy?" the doctor made his way over to us. "I'm so sorry but she didn't-" _

_Time seemed to slow down as several things happened simultaneously. As the doctor's lips formed the last few words, I stood, sprinting out of the waiting room and pushing open the swinging doors while my mom's sobs rang out behind me. _

_This could not be real. I refused to believe this stranger, coming here and telling me that Julia - my Julia was gone. _

_"Julia! Julia!" I was barely conscious of the ragged, breathless screams tearing out of me as the rooms flashed by. A weird sort of gravity seemed to be compressing my chest, crushing everything it held, I was about to die. I knew it. I couldn't breathe. My heart was pounding so fast it was about to break my ribs. This is what dying felt like, right? _

If death had come to me then, I would have greeted him like an old friend, taken his hand and allowed myself to pull under. But unfortunately, life isn't fair. Julia was a living breathing example of that and my heart continued to pound against my will.

_I skidded to a stop outside her room, aggressively shoving past the nurses that tried to stop me. "Julia? Julia! Where is she? Where did you take her?" I screamed lividly, scanning the room. The only bed with an occupant held a corpse covered by a light blue sheet. My heart seemed to slow as cold realization slapped me across the face. I slowly crossed the room, my trembling hand hovering over the sheet that covered Julia. I tore it back before a scream choked me, almost dropping me to the floor._

_Julia lay before me. Her perfect lips were no longer rosy and smiling, but white and sealed tightly. Her skin was so pale that her once invisible freckles stood out like stains. Her eyelids had taken on a purplish tint and ugly black stitches covered her cheeks and forehead from where the doctors had stitched closed her lacerations. _

_"Julia..." I gasped, my voice wobbling with tears. I extended my hand slowly to caress her face but recoiled sharply. The ridges of the stitches felt so foreign under my hand. This was not my Julia. My Julia was vibrant and alive. My living, breathing counterpart. _

_"Julia! Oh Jesus! God no! No! No!" I howled, dropping to my knees. "God please change this, take it back! Please I'll give anything!" I screamed to the paneled ceiling of the hospital room. I grabbed Julia's cold hand, pressing it to my cheek, "Please, please baby just wake up. Please. I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! Please!" I begged through my sobs, shaking her limp hand desperately. _

_I slowly slid my hand beneath the sheet, underneath her hospital gown and pressed it over her stomach. It was as still and cold as the rest of her._

_At this point, I was in hysterics, my breath racing in and out of my throat. The moisture in my eyes fogged my vision of the phantom of Julia before me and I remained motionless at her side, clutching her cold hand to my heart._

_I was unaware of the nurses, some teary eyed, trying to coax me out of the room. Unaware of the Andersons at the other side of the bed, crying over the daughter they had lost because of me. Unaware of my mom trying to pull me out of the room gently. _

_All I could see was the girl I had robbed from the world. _


	11. Until We Bleed

"Are you nervous?" Clare's quiet chuckle drew my attention from the door bell I had been over analyzing to her soft, amused blue eyes.

"No of course not, especially considering the _great_ first impression I made no your mom. Why in the world would I be nervous?" I smirked, anxiously fidgeting with the collar of my blazer. Clare blushed, shooing my hands away from my collar and straightening it herself. Some of my anxiety was put to ease at the sight of the bridge of her nose wrinkling up in concentration in the cutest fashion imaginable.

"Well I guess a tiny bit of that first impression _may_ have been my fault," Clare flushed, avoiding my gaze.

This prompted rapturous laughter on my part, "Tiny? Whatever you say, darling," I snorted, sliding my fingers through Clare's and lowering her hand from my collar.

Clare's eyes rolled before boring into mine, "Now are you going to man up enough to press the door bell or will I have to?" She quipped playfully.

"I'm on it, I'm on it," I grumbled, punching the doorbell with one finger. I could hear the _ding_ echo through the house and rapid footsteps before the wooden door swung open to reveal Clare's mom. Ms. Edwards looked thoroughly worn out. Dark bags hung under thin brown eyes and underlying annoyance shadowed her eyes as she briefly peered over her shoulder befo_r_e looking back at Clare and I. Her gaze softened at the sight of us and she stepped back, beckoning us in.

"Eli I'm so glad you could join us for dinner,"

Before I could answer, Clare interjected sharply, "_Us_?"

Ms. Edwards looked instantly uncomfortable, her gaze dropping to her chewed on nails, "Well, I invited Jordan over as well..."

Clare made an angry noise of disapproval, her fingers tightening around mine. A storm of anger swirled with curiosity brewed in my stomach; this would be the first time I would meet the man who had been making Clare's life miserable for the last week and a half.

"Clare Bear, did you bring a friend?" A sick, falsely sweet voice rang from the kitchen and heavy footsteps brought Jordan into sight for the first time.

I had been expecting a lot of the first time Jordan and I would meet. I had been expecting a sloppy piggish man with no manners. But never in my wildest dreams could I have foreseen that Ms. Edwards' new boyfriend was this _monster_. Jordan Brooks stood before me, his face instantly blanching at the sight of my conflicted face. His squinty brown eyes flooded with fear and shock, matching mine. Jordan's hand fluttered nervously to scratch at his balding head, anxiously tugging on the scarcely remaining hanks of brown hair.

A few seconds passed and all I was conscious of was the pounding of my heart in my throat. I had seen those eyes before, more than once. I had seen them in the hospital room on April twenty second of two years ago. I had seen them in the courthouse when I had testified. I had seen them in my nightmares. And I had seen them behind the wheel, filled with fear as the hood of the car belonging to their master ended Julia's life.

In three quick steps I was across the room, my fists clenching around the collar of Jordan's shirt as I slammed him backwards into the wall angrily. I barely registered the squeals of shock as Clare and Ms. Edwards watched in horrified confusion as I pressed my forearm against Jordan's throat, pinning him to the wall. Furious tears tracked trails down my suddenly flushed cheeks, blurring my vision as the hefty man squirmed under my hold.

"You _bastard_! How are you here? What maniac let you out, you fucking _monster_!" My voice came out in a raw howl, shaking with angry as I careened my body forward, slamming Jordan back into the wall once again for emphasis.

Jordan's face was flushed bright red as he wheezed out, "Eli? - Got let out for good behavior -" The man could barely form his scrambled sentences under the pressure of my arm.

My fury escalated into a fully grown animal. The edges of my vision were blurred with tears and insatiable anger, "Good behavior? They let a murderer out for _good behavior?" _

Jordan's cheeks had taken on a purplish tint. Two pairs of pallid hands locked around each one of my arms, prying me off of Jordan. I shook out of Clare and her mom's hold, spinning on my heel with every intention of storming out. I swung the door open before hesitating and turning, my cold gaze locked on Jordan's frightened one. "If you do _anything_ to Clare or her family I swear to God Jordan I will make you regret the day you walked out of prison," I snarled before making my exit.

Fury bubbled in my stomach as I stumbled out of Clare's house. The rivers on my cheeks had yet to subside and I could barely see a foot in front of me.

"Eli! Eli! What the heck was that all about?" Clare's breathless voice reached me before her cool hands gently grabbed mine, turning me.

I tried to struggle out of her grasp, one hand flying up to angrily brush away the tears. "That man- Clare... He..." I could barely bring myself to say it. "He's the one," I finally spat out, the words tasted like venom in my mouth.

Clare's face blanched, "Julia..? Oh Eli," Her hand fluttered to cover her mouth in shock, "You have to know, I had no idea. I would have never brought you here if I had known..." Clare whispered miserably, her hands flying to cover her eyes in guilt.

"Clare, it's not your fault. You didn't know," I mumbled.

Clare reached out, pressing one hand over my rapidly rising and falling chest. My heart thudded beneath her palm as she looked up with sad, remorseful eyes. "I wish you had never lost her," Clare murmured, tears spilling from the corners of her eyes.

"I wish she was still alive too Clare," My hand raised to encase Clare's slowly. The muscles in my hand had memorized the familiar movement, I knew the action well. I knew the soft skin of her fingers and the lines of her palm as well as I did my own. I eased forward, resting my forehead against the top of Clare's head and gently kissing her forehead. I sought shelter in her touch, soaking in the soothing tranquility as the angry pounding in my chest subsided. Clare's hand dropped mine, roaming over my body. They first travelled to cup my cheeks before sliding down my neck and wrapping around my waist, pulling me closer until our bodies were pressed together.

**This is just a short little chapter that is admittedly not my best :( I had been so busy these last weeks though and I wanted to let you guys know I hadn't forgotten you! **

**Yes, Jordan is the drunk driver that killed Julia.**

**The next couple chapters will go into detail of the accident and what exactly happened. **

**Thanks for being patient guys xoxox I hope you enjoy.  
**


	12. Crawl Carry Me Through

I dropped Clare's hands, allowing my numb body to sink to the ground. My fingers knotted themselves in my tangled hair, soothing breathes of crisp air as the heat of rage ebbed slowly out of me. I studied the cement beneath my feet morosely. Clare sank to the ground next to me, delicately kissing my shoulder before resting her head on my shoulder. The cold snow on the ground soaked into my jeans, sending shivers up and down my spine. I slowly wrapped my arm around Clare's shoulders, allowing her to burrow into the crevice of my arm and body. Quiet footsteps sounded behind us and Ms. Edwards tentatively draped a blanket over our shoulders.

"I- I'm sorry Eli. I told Jordan to leave. I'll... I guess I'll give you two some time to talk," She stammered, her discomfort evident. She wrung her hands briefly and I shot her a grateful half smile before she turned to head back in the house.

"Eli? Would you..." Clare trailed off, biting her lip, her concerned blue eyes fixed on me.

"Tell you what happened?" I finished bitterly.

"Please.. If you can't I'll understand but-"

I cut her off, "I can't Clare. You'll hate me." My breath hitched in my throat before I spat out the next words, "I _killed _them. It was my fault."

Clare sucked in a breath sharply. I waited for her anger, for her rejection. For her to be like everyone else at my old school who blamed _me_. For her to blame me almost as much as I blamed myself.

"Eli Jordan killed her. He drove recklessly. That will _never_ be your fault and I'll _never_ hate you. Please just tell me what happened," Clare pleaded softly, ending with a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Her words shocked me so much that I acted without thinking. "It was two years ago.." I began jadedly, staring at my chewed on thumbnails as my story poured out of me, one I had never told anyone.

_"Julia! I got lunch on the way home from work," I called, ambling in with a hand full of steaming bags of chinese._

_"Julia?" The sounds of tentative footsteps on the stairs didn't escape my attention, I looked up to see Julia standing at the top of the steps, her thin arms crossed over her stomach as if she were sick. Her dark hair was piled up messily into a bun and her face was makeup-less. She was still in sweatpants and my t-shirt, telling me she probably hadn't left the house all day. The tip of her nose was bright cherry pink and her eyes were watery and rimmed with red._

_The chinese slid out of my hands, hitting the floor with a thump. I covered the ground between us in large strides, clasping Julia's face in my hands, wiping the slowly drying salty tears off of her cheeks with my thumbs. "Julia? Julia what's wrong?"_

_Julia shook her head slowly, retreating out of my grasp, her dark eyes shifting sadly from my face to the floor beneath us. _

_"Julia, please tell me what's the matter. What happened?" I pleaded, stepping forward again. Julia stiffly unraveled her arms from around her waist, a small white rectangular piece of plastic grasped in her fingers. She thrust the plastic unforgivingly into my fingers before turning wordlessly and walking back into the bedroom. I turned the plastic slowly in my fingers, recognizing the shape instantly and scared to see what the life changing news the plastic would hold in store for me._

_A small pink plus sign screamed sins up at me, sending me stumbling down into a scrambled seated position on the stairs. My hands shook violently and I closed my eyes, re opening them to reassure that I wasn't seeing things. _

_"Julia! Julia!" I bellowed with urgency now, taking the stairs two at a time._

_"Go away Eli! I don't want to talk about it." Julia sniffled. She was curled up at the foot of my bed, clinging her knees against her chest with trembling arms. The sight of me sent more tears tracking down her cheeks. _

_"Oh Julia," I murmured morosely, lumbering onto the bed and awkwardly crawling over to Julia. I opened my arms and she reflexively leaned into them, pressing her damp cheeks into my chest. Her shoulders rattled in my arms like a snake's tail as sobs tore out of her freely without restraints. _

_"Julia I promise it will be okay, we'll get through this together. I promise." I whispered into her hair, pressing my nose against the top of her head._

_"Eli I can't be a mom. I-I'm so scared," Julia stammered, raising a shaky pallid hand to wipe the dampness from her nostrils._

_I lowered my hand hesitantly, tracing the lines of her still flat stomach with frightened hands. "I promise baby. We can do this together I promise," I whispered, the words trembling with uncertainty as they dangled in the air, unanswered by the crying girl in my arms. _


	13. This is the House that Doubt Built

_I shook my head sending droplets spraying all over our hearth as I slinked back into the house, escaping the assault of the persistent raindrops. I eased out of my coat, happy to see my package hadn't gotten soaked like the rest of me. I gently lowered the bag to floor, running my fingers through my dripping locks and wringing out the tips. My mom shuffled out of the room quickly at the sight of me; she could tell something had been off with Julia and I all day and had been avoiding us like the plague. _

_I flashed her a terse, grateful smile before hoisting up my bag and heading upstairs. "Jules? Are you there? I've got something for you?" A shuffling of cloth was the only evidence that Julia had heard me. I poked my head in the frame of our room, and saw her curled up in a ball at the foot of our bed, her arms wrapped around her torso. It was hard to believe that there was a human being growing in there but the thought of it had my hands tingling with excitement to eventually hold the child, warmth ricocheted through me every time I thought about it. Yes; teenage pregnancy wasn't exactly ideal but this child would be something Julia and I created together out of love._

_"I know you're scared. I mean when you told me... Shit I was scared out of my mind Julia but I think we can do this." I started, my words falling out in jumbled sentences. The look on Julia's drained face silenced me, and I fished through the bag hoisted over my shoulder. "I keep this in Morty, but I figured our kid could have it. I toted it around when I was younger," I mumbled, setting an aged stuffed leopard at the edge of the bed. "And I figured if we had a girl," I paused, hoisting out the small golden statue. "We could hang this in her room, like the one you have back home." _

_Julia stood finally, crossing the room to take the golden 'ANGEL' in her hands. She turned it over once before setting it down on the bed. "Eli I don't need any of this, but that's sweet of you."_

_I tried to mask my confusion with a small, half smile. "What do you mean? It was no problem," _

_Julia wrung her hands, looking down, "Well there won't be any problems at all. I called my mom and I decided to get... get rid of it."_

_The only noise between us now was the sound of the bag sliding out of my hands and hitting the ground between us with a soft thud. _

_"And did you not think of talking to me first about this?" The cool words slid out of my mouth in stiff short phrases, tainted with anger._

_"Because I knew you wouldn't be happy about it, but Eli it's not even a child yet. It's a little egg or an embryo or some shit." Julia pleaded with me softly, her eyes imploring me to understand._

_I shook my head angrily, "You're being a coward Julia! You can't just 'terminate' our child it's not a god damn email account." _

_Julia's brows knitted together, "I'm the coward? You don't understand Eli you don't have to go through this! And since when have you been a pro-life political pig?" _

_I threw my hands up, giving up any attempt to remain calm, "OH I'm not going through this? Last time I checked I was the father Julia how am I not going through this any more than you are? At least I'm trying to handle this like an adult. And this isn't a matter of politics or pro life or pro choice or ANY of that shit. This is OUR child and I should have a say in this!"_

_"Eli please I don't want to do this! Why is that hard to understand? I can't be a mom and I can't go through this alone. I'm not ready, why can't you get that through your head? I swear you are SO impossible sometimes!" Julia screamed back and I knew there was no hope of my mom not hearing the raised voices through the thin walls. _

_"Alone? How are you going through this alone! I think I just made it pretty fucking clear I was and will be willing to help you through this! We don't even have to raise the thing Julia, they have open adoptions."_

_"This isn't fair, Eli! It's my body!" Julia howled, her hands flying to angrily form fists in her hair. _

_"You know what isn't fair? You ending this child's life before it even got a chance to see the world just because of OUR mistakes!" I bellowed, turning on my heel and angrily stalking away from Julia. _

_"This isn't fair because it's always what YOU want Eli you never pay any attention to what I need!" Julia's sobbed accusation ignited a new fire inside of me._

_"Always what I want? Always what I WANT? Are you shitting me Julia it has ALWAYS been what you want! I brought you into my home I gave you everything I could and you know that I've done everything I know how to to make you happy! How can you even say that to me right now? God you are such a BITCH sometimes." Rage fueled my furious words and Julia recoiled as though she had been slapped, her hand flitting to cover her mouth in shock. Julia and I had never been in a serious fight, and I had never called her anything close to 'bitch'. _

_I stepped forward, grabbing Julia's hands gently in mine. "I'm sorry. Look why don't we cool off and talk about this tomorrow when we're more calm."_

_Julia nodded wordlessly, "I think I'm going to go get fresh air." She slid out of the room and was down the stairs by the time I remembered to tell her it was raining._

_I followed her quickly, "Julia, I don't think you should go out it's -" I cut myself off sharply, the sound of Julia's mumbled words rising from the kitchen._

_"Mom I need you to come get me now . - No - no Eli's not going to come I think I'm just going to do this on my own."_

_"Julia what are you doing!" I gasped, unable to keep the shocked lilt out of my voice._

_Julia spun around, snapping her phone shut. "Eli..." She trailed off, her mouth agape. _

_"How could you even do this to me? Lie to me like that? How could you go behind my back with something this big?" I screamed, my fingers knotting in my hair in disbelief._

_"Eli this just wasn't something you could have a s ay in. I have to look out for myself, I'm sorry," Julia begged, tears welling in the eyes I had once looked on lovingly. _

_"Get out. Get out of my house. Get out of my life. Just get OUT! I never want to see you AGAIN!" I howled, pounding down the rest of the steps and throwing the door open. Julia glared at me in disbelief, wordlessly walking out the door as tears streamed down her cheeks. The rain had soaked her through before she was off the porch and she swung a leg angrily over her bike, leaving the helmet ignored on the ground._

_Regret smacked into my gut instantly and I grabbed Morty's keys, tearing out the door after her. "Julia! Julia wait please!" The smacking rain prevented my desperate words from reaching her and I could barely see her hunched figure cycling down the street. I gunned Morty to life, taking off after her. I kept the window down despite the rain, calling after Julia the whole way._

_Finally my words seemed to reach her. Julia risked one look over her shoulder and her lost focus wobbled her handlebars. I no longer had to squint to see her as a pair of headlights outlined her body. Julia spun around to face the road in front of her, but not fast enough to stop the car skidding around the corner from colliding with her bike. The metal of the bike made an awful screeching noise and for five awful seconds I could hear nothing as my heart lay still in my chest. Julia's body soared through the air before hitting the pavement with a sickening crack._

**Eli's memory continued :) Hope you guys enjoy. Sorry the holidays prevented me from updating for a while.**

**xoxo. **


	14. Fix You Up

_Impossibly cold numbness seeped through my entire body like a nasty stain as my mind tried to process whether or not that had actually just happened. The crumpled body on the pavement in front of me challenged every attempt I made to pretend this wasn't happening, that this was some sick twisted portion of my imagination._

_My mind finally clung to the horrifying reality of this situation and I was out of the car in another heartbeat. The blood pounding in my ears was deafening, nearly hiding the sound of my feet sloshing through the rain. Julia lay slumped over on her side, her arm and leg twisted awkwardly underneath her. A horrifying dark liquid was steadily spreading around her head, matting her dark locks._

_I dropped to my knees, the cool water seeping through the knees of my jeans. "I-I didn't mean to. She came out of nowhere, I swear." A strangled voice sounded above me. I looked up into the terrified eyes of the driver, a strong desire to rip his throat out only masked by my utter terror at what had just happened._

_"Call 911 ! Now!" My raw voice was hardly recognizable. I tore my gaze greedily back to Julia's face, it was still so beautiful even when it had been marred. Even though my common sense, buried by grief, told me it was wrong, I couldn't help myself. I cupped Julia's face gently in my hands, carefully lifting her torso off the ground and easing it into my lap. Julia's face was completely drained, a speckled mauve bruise was already forming by one eyes. Blood caked around her nostrils and long scratches ran down one of her cheeks. There were still little pieces of gravel in her busted lips. _

_"Julia, oh my God. Oh my God Julia! Julia, JULIA," I screamed, as if I could somehow magically wake her up. Thick warm blood was steadily staining my shirt and jeans and caking itself under my fingernails but I paid no attention to anything but Julia. _

_Julia's eyelids fluttered, the unbruised eye flickering open halfway. "Julia? Can you hear me?" I begged, leaning so close our noses were touching. Julia's eye showed no sign of recognition, just dazed confusion. A low groan escaped her stained red lips, followed closely by my horrified sobs. _

_"Julia stay awake, please for me baby stay awake!" I begged as her eye flickered shut once more. I cradled her closer protectively, pressing my lips to hers in desperation. Salty tears dripped from my cheeks to hers, leaving little tracks in the crimson blood. The desperation grew inside of me, I wanted to wake up in a cold sweat from this nightmare. This could not be real. Julia couldn't be dying in my arms. That morning we had sat together and had breakfast, held hands and kissed. I had held her in my arms and loved her even more than the day before; just like every day I spent with her. Now ten short hours later she was fading away in my arms._

_I was barely aware of the sirens wailing in the background-_

"Eli, Eli!" Clare's frightened voice pulled me back into the reality, her glassy blue eyes and tearstained cheeks replacing Julia's bruised ones.

"You-you don't have to go on.." Clare stammered, dropping her gaze. I was to disgusted in myself for scaring Clare to be mortified by the fact that my eyes were swimming with tears.

"Clare I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," I murmured in earnest, grabbing her hands in mine. Clare shook her head, raising a shaky hand to wipe her flushed cheeks.

"It's f-fine. It's just so sad. I hate to think you had to go through that," She choked out, her voice breaking at the end. Before I could answer, Clare had her arms around my neck, pulling me into a tight hug. I rested my head against her shoulder, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling of Julia's absence and the turmoil inside of me. I had never told anyone that story, _ever_. I felt almost as though I had betrayed Julia by sharing our private last moments.

"I love you, Eli, I love you so much."

Clare's whispered words took away any doubt of whether or not I had done the right thing.

"I love you too."

**I hope you guys liked this :) I tried to make it as sweet and honest as possible xox. I've been getting the greatest reviews, THANK YOU SO MUCH :D You are all so great :) I love you all SOO much your reviews seriously make my day. xoxoxoxoxo *MWAH* :D :D :D **

**enjoy :) this is NOT the last chapter btw! **


	15. Where is My Mind

_"Eli sweetie I have some food for you if you're hungry," _

_I ignored my mom's voice. I hadn't spoken in a week. Not since that night. It was interesting the way people get around you after someone you love dies, it's almost like **you're **the one who died. I had been living a dead man's life in essence the last week, eating almost nothing, never sleeping, never speaking. My mom and dad tip toed around the house, having given up on trying to talk to me after I locked them out of my room the second night since.. Since Julia died. And they didn't even bother asking about school, there was no way I could go back and face Julia's classmates. Julia and I had been invisible and now our own little personal kingdom was coming crumbling down. Girls who had never even given her a second glance were pulling the sympathy route and making "heartbroken" facebook statuses and skipping class for counseling. My name was tagged in statuses with condolences from people I didn't even know. I didn't bother going to the school produced memorial, I couldn't look at those faces._

_How dare they? How dare they reject someone as perfect and wonderful as her and then pretend that they even gave a damn about her until it was too late. _

_She was dead after all. _

_The door creaked open and I could hear my mom's gentle footsteps pattering in. "Eli you've barely eaten in days.. I have some pasta for you here if you're hungry. Eli?" _

_I didn't turn and face her. I remained just as I was, curled up in a ball on my bed, my eyes studying the wall. Every few hours or so the tears would come at random intervals, leaking from my eyes as though they were busted faucets and trickling slowly down the bridge of my nose before making soft spots on my pillowcase like raindrops. I would always trace them wistfully with my fingertips, wishing they were Julia's hands interlacing with mine. I still hadn't accepted she was gone. It was only when I became more aware of the empty shaking feeling inside of me that reminded me I had lost her. _

_I sunk my teeth into my lips until I tasted irony blood, refusing to speak until I heard my mom's sigh of defeat. "Alright, I'll leave it here if you change your mind. Your father and I will be downstairs if you need us." I heard the plate click onto the floor of my already rapidly filling up room. I had refused to give any of Julia's stuff back to her family; as selfish as that sounded. I couldn't bear the thought of any of her things passing that doorway. My room was, for the most part, untouched since that night. The gifts I had boughten her for our baby lay where she had left them on the bed. Her clothes were still neatly hanging from the closet. I hadn't become consciously aware of the fact that I hadn't gotten rid of any old trash in my room yet. There was an overwhelming desire inside of me that urged me to leave it untouched, as if that would bring Julia back walking through the doorway with a huge smile on her face. It hit me with a sharp stabbing sensation that I would never get to see that smile in action again. My hands knotted into tight fists and I pursed my lips so tightly that no air could pass them, trapping my screams inside as my view of the wall became blurred by watery tears unshed._

_I heard the door click open downstairs and voices exchange. Door closed. Footsteps._

_Nothing that would effect me. I was determined to not leave our bed, the one special place where I had shared some of my most intimate special moments with the dead girl whose face haunted me from the picture frame on the desk. _

_I didn't cast any attention to the sound of my mom coming up the stairs until the sound of her sniffling caught my ear._

_"E-Eli?" My mom's voice actually prompted me to shift slightly, peaking over my shoulder hesitantly._

_"Eli that was J-Julia's dad. He thought you- you might want this." My mom crossed the room, wiping the tears from her cheeks with shaky hands. "The doctors said J-Julia was three months pregnant."_

_The shock momentarily stunned me out of my silence, I snapped upright. "THREE MONTHS? She only found out a week ago.. I don't understand," _

_"Baby boy she was probably scared, have you ever been scared of something so you deny it?" Cece cut me off softly, her eyes meeting mine. "It's typically too soon to tell but the doctors said it looked as though it would have most likely been-" My mom's voice broke, tears cascading from her cheeks rapidly now, " a little girl." she finished, her voice cracking down into a complete sob._

_I slowly reached out, pulling the postcard sized picture out of my mom's hands. I turned it over slowly, a deadly stillness settling over me as I looked down at the scratchy ultrasound. I was shocked to see how much the baby was already developed. There was a fully shaped head and a small pear shaped body with a short leg extending and a small blob of a hand. The foot had toes. My daughter had had toes and a nose and ears. _

_A weird gasping noise escaped me; one I had never heard before. I was at a complete and utter loss of how to form words at the sight of something so precious and so pure that had been all mine. And now it was gone. _

_I slipped sideways wordlessly into my mom's open arms, my mouth agape in shock. There was no way I could describe the pain inside of me, rocking me from the core out._

_I felt completely dead inside. _

I put the pencil down sharply with shaking hands, my eyes shifting to the same ultrasound resting on the other side of the page. This was something that would not be thrown away. No. I would treasure this picture and keep it for as long as I was alive myself. I slid the picture slowly into the crease of the book, closing it shut gently and squeezing my eyes shut, lost in my own thoughts.

**This isn't the last chapter either xD I'll be sure to tell you guys when it will be :) Thanks for all the reviews and enjoy!xox. **


	16. Sleeping City

"Tell me you don't play football," Clare giggled, hoisting the blue helmet up to eye level.

"I could play football if you're my cheerleader," I growled, sidling up to Clare feistily and delicately sliding my hands around her waist, my eyes locked on the smooth skin of her neck waiting to be kissed.

"Guys please," Adam moaned, his head poking out from the stack of boxes he was helping dispose of.

Clare's cheeks flamed up, "Don't be gross, Eli," she giggled, wriggling out my arms. "But seriously, do share with the class about the helmet, Mr. Goldsworthy." She demanded in a spot on imitation of Ms. Dawes.

Adam chuckled, hopping up onto my desk and folding his hands over his knees. "Clare, trust me it's not that interesting. Just another midnight escapade to Degrassi."

Clare rolled her eyes, "You guys _stole _a _helmet_? You're such morons sometimes," She chuckled, shifting onto her tippy toes and wedging the helmet in proud display on one of the new shelves my dad had put up.

I sniggered, sneakily fist bumping Adam while Clare's back was turned, "We were just picking up some school spirit is all, Principal Edwards."

Clare tossed me a quippy look over her shoulder, "Don't make me give you a detention then," She giggled.

"I can't think of any time I've wanted to be in trouble with the teacher more," I drawled, turning Adam's face sour.

"Guys!" Adam grunted, his voice straining as he lifted the boxes.

"Sorry," Clare and I snickered in unison. I managed to catch her eye over Adam's head, shooting her a wink.

"Stop being a cheeseball and help me take these last boxes down," Adam mumbled and I quickly hoisted the top box out of his grasp, following him out.

"Adam, don't forget to get the stuff I brought! It's downstairs!" Clare's voice drifted from my now spotless room.

"What is she talking about, Torres?"

Adam shrugged nonchalantly, kicking the back door open and heaving the box down on the curb. He wouldn't meet my eyes and had a small Goldsworthy-esque smirk plastered over his freckled face; telling me instantly they were hiding something.

"You go on upstairs, I'll meet you up there," Adam winked as we stepped back inside, shooing me upstairs. I took the stairs two at a time and swung through the door way, my mouth open and ready to shoot a snide comment Clare's direction but I was taken aback by the overall _cleanness _of my room. Now that the last boxes had been taken down it was truly spotless. I could see the floor, all of my bed and my desk surfaces were finally not cluttered. I could see the journal full of memories carefully propped in the corner of the bookshelf, spaced away from my textbooks and novels. Clare was perched at the end of my bed, one leg folded underneath her.

"So what do you think? Now that's it's so clean," She asked, her blue eyes eager and flickering towards the door repeatedly.

I was too stunned by my room to notice her shifty behavior, "It's so _empty._ I know it's better than the mess but... It just doesn't feel like me." I whispered, scratching the back of my head, bemused.

"Adam and I were worried you would feel that way soo... We did a little gathering and shopping," Clare giggled, standing and grabbing my hand in hers. "Bring it in Adam!"

Adam stepped in, a blue container I recognized instantly from the Torres' house that typically contained hockey gear in his arms, along with a plastic bag that appeared to be full of strings of lights.

"What are you two up to," I scowled, narrowing my eyes suspiciously as Adam set the container down. "We're doing a little ... I guess you could call it _housewarming_," Adam chortled, peeling the lid off of the box.

Adam leaned down, pulling out a glass encased The Goon first edition cover and hanging it neatly from my wall. I watched, mouth agape, as Clare pulled out armfuls of picture frames, propping them all over the room while Adam squeezed a new Dead Hand poster in the small space of my walls that weren't already plastered with posters. Newly put up pictures of Clare and I, Adam and Clare, and all three of us were all over the new black wood shelves, peeking out from between my books.

"Don't stand there with your mouth open! Help!" Adam urged me on, winking as I stared at him. "Wha... How did you guys ?" I stammered.

"We wanted you to feel happy in your new room as possible," Clare smiled.

By the time we were done, my room was filled with posters, pictures, and a string of funky lowlight lights that cast a weird glow in the room that was strangely homely.

"Wow.. Um thank you guys," I murmured, I lost any hope of not sounding like a cheesy bastard and strung my arms around Adam and Clare's shoulders. "I really love you two." I smiled, before trying to lighten the mood by leaning in and pretending to mock kiss Adam on the cheek. Adam scowled and ducked away, punching me in the arm.

"You're _so _not my type, loverboy," Adam snorted.

Clare smirked up at me, "Yeah Goldsworthy, what was that all about? Eh?" she giggled, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and pulling me down for a gentle kiss.

**not my best buttt MISFITS FLUFF! who doesn't love it? :D 3 hope you guys enjoy it :) **

**I don't own Degrassi or the Goon ;) **

**I'll update soon I promise! love you guys. **


	17. author's note

**Hey Guys. I know it's been a while since an update. This next chapter will be the last. **

**I've been really busy with my personal life including a recent hospital stay (I'm fine now)**

**I'm so so sorry for the update. I'll work on the last chapter soon and make sure it's great for all of you. Thank you so much for your paitence. **


	18. Never Grow Up

Eli trudged through the well worn, dew ridden grass. He knew this place well for it was a place he had been many times. The smooth marble surrounding him dauntingly stared Eli down as he passed silently through their ranks, not paying any of them a second glance. A cool drizzle oozed from the morose sky, sending shivers through his arms but his destination was much more important than any petty troubles. Eli wove his way through the almost maze like rows until a familiar white marble tombstone came into sight. A sad smile spread over his pale face, it was a depressing thought that this was the closest he was to Julia nowadays.

"Hey Jules," Eli murmured, sitting Indian style in front of her grave. "I'm sorry I couldn't come last weekend, I've ... I've been pretty busy," He admitted with a bashful smile, looking down before back up at her engraved name. His fingers knotted in the sodden grass, tugging them at the roots almost therapeutically. "You're not going to believe this, but.. I cleaned my room." Eli chuckled. "You would like it, Adam decorated it and now it looks all moody," He laughed, trying to maintain his optimistic exterior. "But don't worry, I didn't throw away any of your things or your picture," He assured her, his voice strained with the effort of forced positivity. "It was hard to go through your things. It makes me feel like you're further away, if that makes sense, but- at the same time," Eli paused, struggling to vocalize his muddled thoughts, "It's like you were closer than ever Julia," He finally admitted, the words pouring out of him and sucking the weight off of his constricted chest. "I swear it was like you never left." He reached out tentatively, stroking his black polished fingers down the weather worn tombstone, tracing the letters J, U, L, I and A with his fore finger.

"Eli?" a quiet voice interrupted him and he turned abruptly. Clare stood, huddled underneath an umbrella with Adam right by her side, solemn looks on both their faces. "How did you guys...?"

"Cece," Adam cut Eli off with a small half grin, he looked almost nervous. "Are you okay?" He added, his eyes flickering to the tombstone.

"I'm fine," Eli answered quietly, and for once it wasn't a lie. Eli didn't know, nor did he care, if the tranquility seeping through him was normal, like he was supposed to feel this way or maybe he had finally just gone crazy, but either way Eli was - to put it in the simplest of terms - happy. It took about 30 trash bags and two dedicated friends to realize that happiness was simple and easy. It was no struggle if you willed it into your life.

Clare stepped forward, followed closely by Adam, and sat next to me in the grass, lacing her fingers through Eli's. "Julia, I'm Clare. It's really nice to meet you, I've heard a lot about you," She giggled, smiling fondly at the tombstone. Adam sat next to her, and almost hesitantly reached out and touched the front of the tombstone. "And I'm Adam and I'm sure you've heard a lot about _me_. Between you and me, Eli's kind of crazy about me," He whispered sarcastically before winking at Eli.

In any normal occasion, that would have constituted a light smack on the back of the head and maybe some tussling but this felt different. Ever since Julia died, Eli had been so afraid to be alone but he craved it. Life had thrown it's worst at him and all he wanted was just to live in the past, and find his own twisted version of contorted happiness. But in that moment, with everyone he truly loved around me, it was true happiness, healthy, pure, innocent.

Happiness, he had learned, was not tangible. It did not exist in objects, or money, or stacks of trash in a messy room. It existed in memories, and people, and feelings.

For the first time in over a year, Eli felt innocent again, like nothing had ever marred his life as he sat, watching Adam and Clare casually converse with Julia's tombstone, Eli finally felt innocent.

**I really wanted this to be a good chapter, considering this will be the last :/ but I've been SO busy I'm afraid it's not as good as it has been. I wanted this chapter to be in third person, I dunno why. But yeah so this is it! We've come a long way, you guys :) You all are great though. This story feels like my baby and it's like grown up x) Not to sound like a weirdo xD But I love all the support you've given me. You guys are amazing :) **


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